Dear Hewlett-Packard Company,
I recently read an article in the news that you have named Mark Hurd as your new Chief Executive Officer and President. While I realize you may have received many applications for this position, you seem to have overlooked mine. I respectfully request that you hold off on moving forward with your decision to name Mr. Hurd as your CEO and President until you have at least read this application letter.
I would be an excellent choice to lead your great company for many reasons. In addition to outstanding communication and interpersonal skills, I have ample management experience and vision to lead your company into the future. I have held management positions in the food service industry as well as in the computer retail industry. Specifically I was a dining room supervisor at the now rejuvinated Ground Round Restaurants for three years while in college, and I worked as a customer service supervisor at MicroCenter where, by the way, I saw a lot of your products in our shop. Trust me, if I can be an effective leader and an example to others in those shit jobs, I would be perfect for your board room. I am currently a middle school teacher, and you can just imagine the kind of management experience I have gained in that job.
Another reason you should consider me over Mr. Hurd is that I have a great familiarity with your products as a user and as a salesperson. In fact I have owned two HP printers in my time, beginning with the legendary DeskJet 500. That thing is a tank! I still have it somewhere and it has never stopped working. Currently I use a DeskJet 832C and I love it. That little baby got me through graduate school. Finally, I have spent hours fixing my mother-in-law's HP Pavillion. Man, what a pain. But you should know it's mostly her fault, and I think the Pavillion series are strong products over all.
I also have ample sales experience involving HP products. When I was a Macintosh sales rep at MicroCenter, pretty much the only decent printers that would work with them were yours. Man, Apple must love you guys. In any case, I think that you will find I have excellent product knowledge and the ability to undertand the technical aspects of the CEO position. I won't even need help hooking up my computer in my office (and that's money saved).
Finally, I have reviewed the salary and benefits package that you have offered to Mr. Hurd, and I want you to know I would be a much more cost-effective choice. I am prepared to accept the job of CEO and President of your company for 10 percent of the value of Mr. Hurd's package, item for item. Just think, I haven't even accepted the job yet and I am already saving your company millions. Consider what other opportunities for growth and sensible economic decisions I can bring to HP.
In summary, I would not only be a fine choice to lead your great corporation, but I would be a much less expensive one. I propose you give me one year, and if you are not satisfied with my progress at that time, I'm sure Mr. Hurd will be happy to step in. I suspect, though, that you will be surprised at what I will do for your company, and at a fraction of the cost of Mr. Hurd.
Thank you for your time and attention.